Breakup with the Bar

An open letter to the bar exam:

Dear Bar Exam:

Despite your persistent attempts at ruining my life, I am feeling calmer and more in control of our abusive one-sided relationship than I ever have. Don't get me wrong, you might still continue to torment me, and be the cause of both my financial ruin and public embarrassment. But what has changed is that you will no longer make me feel bad about myself.

You're completely worthless. There. I've said it and it's true. You aren't the slightest bit of an indicator of my worth or competence as an attorney. All you are is a test of memory and survival through sleep deprivation. It seems that you really want you and I to be involved forever. I'm sorry, it's just not going to work out. Please consider this my break-up letter. Yes, I will see you next week as promised. But hopefully I will never see you again. You see, you weren't good to me. I don't want to have anything further to do with you.

Also, I'm tired of you messing around with other people, treating them bad, making them mentally and physically ill. It's bad enough that you abuse me, but it's even worse considering the thousands of victims whose lives you've ruined. You underestimate the people you are dealing with. I see success as black and white. I don't believe in potential. You're either a success in life or you're not. The people you're messing with, well we are of the "successful" class of people in life. We've worked hard with determination and strength of character. We never let anything stand in our way nor did we allow any excuse to destroy our destiny. We wanted to be lawyers and here we are. It's not fair for you to shatter our dreams.

I wanted to tell you that I am proud of myself and all my colleagues for going through this, especially those who are repeating the test. No one will ever understand what it's like, but that's ok, we understand each other. Only we know what the pain of the sleepless nights and low self esteem and frustration and anger and brief glimpses of hope and endless tears and that complete sense of defeat feels like. But regardless of what happens, we are the educated elite of this nation. No matter how much the bar tries to knock us down, we still get to stand on the pedestal of higher education and be ahead of most of our peers. They can't take that away from us. And because we are the cream of the crop, we will always be ok, because that's just the kind of people we decided to be. We didn't allow our destiny to be made for us, we weren't born that way, we fought for it and decided that nothing was more important. We've earned our shining stars and we will always keep them.

So bar exam, this is a Dear John letter to you. I can't make any guarantees but I hope you and I never meet again.


Love, One less victim.


GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE IN CASE I DON'T HAVE A CHANCE TO POST ANYTHING TOMORROW. WE CAN DO IT!!!

Love it, love it, love it!

Damn, this song is the bomb! When did this come out? Apparently, sometime in the two months since I've last listened to the radio. Now this might just keep me going for the next hour!

Bar Prediction

Couple nights ago I had a dream that Civ Pro was on the essays w/a focus on discovery w/CA distinctions. The bad part is, in my dream, I had no idea what to write.

Now why should this mean anything to anyone? Well, my dreams have a tendency to come true (except the good ones, lol)

Example in point: Month ago I had a dream that one of my friends is pregnant and that her boyfriend left her as a result. I didn't mention the dream to my friend b/c she had complications in her last pregnancy and numerous doctors told her she couldn't have kids at all anymore.

Fast forward a few weeks, same friend emails me saying she's pregnant and boyfriend is gone!!!

All I'm saying is, better get on those discovery rules.....

You Know You're Studying for the Bar When:

You Know You're Studying for the Bar:

• When the answer to every question someone asks you sounds something like this:

• I can't...I'm studying for the bar
• I don't care....I'm studying for the bar
• Do it yourself....I'm studying for the bar
• Cry me a river....I'm studying for the bar
• You don't have it as tough as me....I'm studying for the bar
• Do this for me...I'm studying for the bar
• Sorry I punched you in the face...I'm studying for the bar
• When your average everyday grocery run consists of the following:
  
• Energy drinks (only 24oz and above)
  
• Coffee
• No Doze
• Vitamins
• Unisom
  
• Alcohol
  
• Junk Food
  
• Kleenex for your tears
• When you go to 7-11 to get coffee and energy drinks and use the double shot espresso additives to your truckers coffee and the man asks you how many days you plan to stay up and you blink in surprise and say "this is just for the next couple hours"
• When everyone you see, including the starbucks barrista, the mcdonalds drive thru dude and the pharmacist knows you are studying for the bar
• When people who don't know keep asking you if you're sick cuz you look pale
  
• When you have to buy more clothes b/c you don't have time to do laundry
• When you hate listening to other people's supposed problems while meanwhile you're thinking "Try studying for the bar!"
• When you are so excited when you need to pee because it's a nice break
  
• When you run out of sweatpants that will accommodate your increasing pant size
• When your friends put you on suicide watch
• When you keep wondering if you should have gone to medical school or in the alternative, become a go-go dancer
• When you no longer know the date or day of the week or the time and you couldn't care less
• When you have more zits than when you were 13
• When you use the words "disaster", "tragedy", "impossible" and "suicide" more often than any other time in your life, lol
• When you get mad when people tell you it will be alright b/c they don't realize that the damage to your spirit has already been irreversibly done
• When your 2 eyebrows have joined as one
• When you play the "what would you do for an automatic pass?" game with your friends and realize more of you are willing to eat large quantities of cockroach covered poop than you realized

That's my list! Feel free to add on!

Giggling like a school girl

A Little Bar Exam humor.....

Because even bar exam studiers deserve a smile or two....

Buddhism and Temple Time

One of his students asked Buddha, "Are you the messiah?"
"No", answered Buddha.
"Then are you a healer?"
"No", Buddha replied.
"Then are you a teacher?" the student persisted.
"No, I am not a teacher."
"Then what are you?" asked the student, exasperated.
"I am awake", Buddha replied.


A couple weeks ago I finally had a chance to visit Hsi Lai Temple in Hacienda Heights. I hadn't gone there in years and since it was the day before the Chinese new year, the entire temple was decorated even more than usual and everyone was even more gracious and inviting than ever.

Buddhist temples are one of the few spiritual places I can stand to be in without thinking about the destruction religion has brought to the world since the core of Buddhism is non-violence unlike all other religions. All other religions teach, advocate and practice violence in the name of faith with Christians leading the pack with more killing than all other religions combined. Anyways, that's a history lesson for another day.

The point is, being in a Buddhist temple allows you to connect with the things really worth worshiping: The Earth and Humankind. Instead of advocating a belief in a higher being, Buddhism advocates believing in yourself and teaches that heaven is being at peace with yourself not a place in the clouds with pearly gates and bouncers that are very strict about who they let in. For people like me, who have trouble believing in hocus pocus, eastern philosophies (not just Buddhism), allow me to find peace in something I can see and admire what I truly respect, logic and reason. The quote at the top of the page really sums up what I admire about Buddhism: That "Buddha" is an example to follow not a being to fear and that there are no threats of hell, only peace, tranquility and an eye for truth rather than fables.

What I like best is that you don't pray and hope that God answers and provides. That leaves you in such a vulnerable state, kind of like you're begging for help. What I like about Buddhism is learning that if you meditate and visualize success, believe in your own strength and if you have brought good to the world, it will come to you. It's much more proactive and much less of an inferiority/superiority set-up. There is no begging, just self esteem and strength.

I went a bought a Happy Buddha for good luck on the bar. Let's see if it works. My mom asked me what would happen if I passed the bar because of all the prayers of different religions that my loved ones are saying for me, which one would I choose? I told her I wouldn't choose any religion but if one of the "holy beings" in question wants to guide my hand thru the exam, they can feel free to take over my computer and type their name and religious affiliation at the top of my essay page and I might take it into consideration. My mom was not so amused, lol. Oh well, I can't help being me.

So without further adieu, the pictures from the temple trip!






Beautiful huh? Everyone should definitely go!

http://www.hsilai.org/

Beyond all that, bar exam studying is, well, going I guess. 7 more days and counting.....

Songs for the bar exam

A few songs to listen to for both inspiration and empathy during the horrible process of taking the bar (and/or whatever your difficult endless journey is!)


N'Together Now - Limp Bizkit
Out of My Mind - James Blunt
Break my Stride - Blue Lagoon
Relax, Take it Easy - Mika
The Rain Don't Last - Hope
Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Tears for Fears
Notorious Thugs - Bone Thugs + Biggie ("Test me now, contend, never no surrender, no pretend")
Breakdown - Mariah Carey ( "In reality I'm slowly losing my mind underneath the guise of a smile")
Addicted - Kelly Clarkson (It's like you're a leech, sucking the life from me")
Callin You - Outlandish (" I will not be false in who I am , As long as I breathe")
What a wonderful world - Louis Armstrong
Go Getta - Young Jeezy (" You Damn Right Ima Go Getta")
It's My Life - Bon Jovi ("It's my life, it's now or never")
I will Survive - Gloria Gaynor (self explanatory)
I shot the Sheriff - Bob Marley (For criminal law review lol)
Dancing With Myself - Nouvelle Vague (since I often dance in my apt during studying)
Long Day is Over - Norah Jones
Fly Me To the Moon - Frank Sinatra (they don't have the bar on the moon!)
Stronger - Kanye West (That that don't kill me, can only make me stronger)
All or Nothing - Cher (Don't wanna run and I can't walk out)
Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie
Thugz Mansion - 2pac (So much pressure in this life of mine, I cry at times)
Scream - Timbaland
Till I Collapse - Eminem ( "I'ma rip this shit till my bones collapse")
Let them Thangs Go - 2pac
Through the Wire - Kanye West ("Through the fire, to the limit, to the wall")
Zombie - Cranberries

YES WE CAN!

Happy Happy Joy Joy

This post in particular is for my friend Chuki, who said that my blog was so depressing, she had to call me and make sure I was still alive and kickin, lol. Thanks Chooks for reminding me of my silver linings and for being concerned!

So, with that said, I decided to list a few little seemingly inconsequential things that make me happy, in no particular order, just so I can remind myself these days:


-My coffee being ready before I get out of bed (or at least a cold Diet Rockstar in the fridge)
-Laughing out loud with friends
-Having a full water bottle in every room of the house (I drink a lot of water)
-Soup on cold days
-My bed being made (which never happens!)
-Blogging :)
-Shopping (for anything)
-Hookah (especially with good friends)
-Scrapbooking
-Watching the new kitten chase things in her dreams
-Waking up, looking at the clock, and realizing I still have an hour before my alarm
-Perezhilton.com
-Unexpected kisses
-My ipod always being charged and ready to go
-My dining table being cleared off
-Playing computer games
-Dissing on Republicans and how they live off of a world of lies that people buy into
-Winning arguments
-Remembering to take my vitamins
-Dance Dance Revolution!
-Watching msnbc all day
-Soap Operas!
-Finding that song that says exactly how you're feeling right then!

Oh and speaking of happy thoughts, I lost 11 pounds in the last two weeks! Bar exam stress is apparently good for something....lol

Damn, that was unexpected

Kind of had a weird moment tonight. A little past midnight I tried to fight off the sleep by taking a no-doze, turning on the ipod and dancing around the apt until my eyes were open. I was all good until I heard Limp Bizkit/Method Man song "N Together Now". I was stoked to hear because it has particular meaning for me. The song takes me back to when I had just turned 16 and was participating in a national moot court competition. The first day that our team had to go to the courthouse and put on the trial in front of a real life judge in a real life courtroom, I was driving to the Santa Ana Courthouse with my mom and my BFF Chuki listening to that song on repeat for the whole drive for motivation and adrenaline. (Much to the dismay of my mom since it was the first time she had been in the car with me when I was on the freeway) Anyways, I was happily listening to the song tonight until all of a sudden the tears started flowing. I'm talking about the cry your eyes out, sink to the floor, sob out loud kind of cry.

I just started to think about the excitement and hope that I had going in to that competition. I realized then, as I had walked into the courtroom, wearing a suit and holding my opening statement that court was where I belonged. It suited me perfectly. It was my nirvana.

Little did I know that most lawyers spend their career chained to a desk and never step foot inside of a courtroom. To me, that's just not law. It's not what I went to law school to do. Somewhere along the line, I need to make an impact in the world, and being behind a desk all day just isn't going to cut it for me. The tears came tonight as a mix of still wanting the dream so bad and at the same time being so disillusioned with it. But at least now, I know that every time I hear that song, and those lyrics, I will be taken back to the moment where I realized my destiny.

N'Together Now:

"I'm pluggin' in them social skills
That keep my total bills over a million
The last time I checked it
Thank God I'm blessed with a mind that'll wreck it
Wait until the second round and knock em' out.....

Whats that, I didn't hear you (Shut the fuck up)
Come on, a little louder (Shut the fuck up)
Everybody in together now (Shut the fuck up)
What huh (Shut the fuck up)
Oh (Shut the fuck up)....

Headstrong, dead calm, get it right on
Dead weight to dead wrong, let's get it on
Twelve rounds I throw down, who hold crown....

Lifestyles of the prolific and gifted
8 essential vitamins and minerals delicious
Word on the street is, they bit my thesis
Knocked out they front teefers, tryin to taste mine
Actin like they heard it through the grapevine....

You gettin' one shot (Ha)
Until you dissolve
I revolve
Around everything you got
From outta nowhere
Prepare
You be blinded by the glare
I told you not to stare
Now you're turned into stone
Without a microphone
But don't you forget you're in a zone (So shut the fuck up)
And take that shit back
Cause all your shits wack (Doo doo is doo doo)
When its weighed out like that
Burnin' up your brain like a piston
So all those that didn't listen
Now they even knew what they were missin'
And never even knew that the sky was fallin' down"

Untouchable Face

A song very near and dear to me lately, for reasons generally clear to those who know me well.

Ani Difranco- Untouchable Face

Think Im going for a walk now
I feel a little unsteady
I dont want nobody to follow me
cept maybe you
I could make you happy you know
If you werent already
I could do a lot of things
And I do

Tell you the truth I prefer
The worst of you
Too bad you had to have a better half
Shes not really my type
But I think you two are forever
And I hate to say it but
Youre perfect together

So fuck you
And your untouchable face
And fuck you
For existing in the first place
And who am i
That I should be vying for your touch
And who am i
I bet you cant even tell me that much

Two-thirty in the morning
And my gas tank will be empty soon
Neon sign on the horizon
Rubbing elbows with the moon
A safe haven of sleepless
Where the deep fryers always on
Radio is counting down
The top 20 country songs
And out on the porch the fly strip is
Waving like a flag in the wind
Yknow, I dont look forward
To seeing you again soon
You'll look like a photograph of yourself
Taken from far far away
And I wont know what to do
And I wont know what to say

Except fuck you...

I see you and Im so perplexed
What was I thinking
What will I think of next
Where can I hide
In the back room theres a lamp
That hangs over the pool table
And when the fan is on it swings
Gently side to side
Theres a changing constellation
Of balls as we are playing
I see orion and say nothing
The only thing I can think of saying

Is fuck you...